Hi, we're Vanderstank. We're so glad you've made it here! Here you'll find that we're more than just a the company that makes all the products you ever wanted… we're a way of life. One day, Vanderstank will be the only Company the world needs. But we didn't start out this big! We owe our existence to psychotic Dutch inventor and rumored half-alien Dr. Triestananas Vanderstank, who founded our company in 1660 with his original "Five Core Principles" he wanted the company to follow.
Dr. Vanderstank's Original "Five Core Principles"
- We are 10,000,000% professional
- We have several things all the time
- Our products are often good
- No frightening holiday decorations
- Ceilings are tall enough for most human interactions
- We speak nearly 2 languages
- Non-segregated bathrooms
- We are extremely very much
A Colorful History
The founding of Vanderstank, unfortunately, is not well-documented. What we do know is that town records mentioning Vanderstank as a vital part of the community date back to the 17th century, and Company historians estimate the actual year of founding was 1660. It was originally the brain child of rumored half-alien Dr. Triestananas Gewildige Gozer Vanderstank, whose earliest work appears to include stonemasonry and woodwork, including municipal buildings and stone monuments, a well-known line of designer coffins, and (during the downfall and demise of the original Company) designer pebbles. Dr. Vanderstank's original organization was so deep-rooted in the community, it had its own Church, eventually amassing a Holy Text now known as the Book of Vanderstank. Rumors say the Church of Vanderstank continued on in secret for centuries after the public Company's demise, often with membership numbers dipping down into the double-digits, but its existence is not reliably verifiable.
The history books were rewritten in late 2012, when the Company was reborn in what is now called the Vanderstank 2.0 initiative, led by a small group of New England entrepreneurs. The exact number of original founders and investors was unclear, along with exactly how they stayed in business— the first year of Company records don't mention much, apart from various "internal operations." But over the course of V2.0, as the newly reborn Company struggled to establish a public identity, it became clear that Vanderstank had made a strong business partner to help them flourish financially: fellow New England startup Jon Howe Studios, inventors of wild and innovative home products, often with a twinge of humor to them. Within the first year of rebirth, many of Vanderstank's original founders and investors had left the Company, and by the official launch of Vanderstank 3.0 initiative, the two Companies had officially merged—the entire Vanderstank executive board was comprised entirely of JHS executives.
Now that Vanderstank could enjoy the new stability brought on by the Jon Howe Studios product lineup, a curious idea appeared: V3.0 brought the first closed-door discussions of the reintroduction of the Church of Vanderstank, which had previously been left out of rebirth talks as it was seen as too risky a concept to present to the public. All remaining sections of the Book were transcribed to the Company's new web server, and the Company geared up to present the Church to the public with the next big launch.
In 2016, the Company took another large leap forward into the public eye—apart from the public introduction of the church, V4.0 brought a complete visual rebranding, ditching 2012's bright red square V for a maroon circle with fancy script to signify a more professional and serious tone. Executive leadership positions were added, deleted, and shuffled around, resulting in the Vermont members finally taking on full executive roles. V4.0 also saw an increased focus on technology, with the introduction of the VanderstankOS computer system and initial plans for the technological marvel that would eventually be known as Cognitioneering. For the first time, publicity about the Great Company started spreading far and wide across the world.
Unfortunately, not all publicity is good publicity, and nowhere was that more clear than in early 2017 when the Company attempted to leap forward with the V5.0 initiative. For the first time, membership was fully opened to the public by way of the new VACRO program, which allowed anyone to sign up as a recruiting member. While most new members were loyal, this one change led to the biggest scandal in Company history when an internet cult used it to infiltrate the Vanderstank staff. In short, a long-time loyal Family member stole and attempted to leak classified information, and it just so happened that her husband was also a higher-ranking Vanderstank official. Unable to accept that his wife was wrong, and fully believing the snippets of what the woman thought she saw, the poor man became psychotic, dreaming up wild stories about abuse and brainwashing, and pulled together a cult of strangers from the Internet devoted to infiltrating the Company via the VACRO program and smearing the great Vanderstank name. Luckily, the couple eventually realized the error of their ways and are now once again two of our most loyal Family members.
This brings us to where we are today. With greater organization and humility, the Vanderstank 6.0 initiative was launched in late 2017. Focusing on our commitment to enlightening and bettering the human race as a whole, the VACRO rules were relaxed, meaning members of the public can join without the pressure of devoting to VACRO work. The resulting increase in membership was better-organized and tracked, along with a badge collection for each member to track their progress and prestige within the Vanderstank Family.
Learn more about the history of the Great Company by browsing our Church materials.