The VanderSelf Regimen

Rituals

• Morning Laugh

  Every morning, find something funny, and laugh uncontrollably. Say praise to Caroline for creating humor in the universe.

• Daily Meditation

  You must meditate at least once per day for at least one hour uninterrupted, focusing on absolutely nothing, with the exception of certain Board-approved meditation aids such as a specific mantra, certain frequencies of binaural beats, and certain scents.

• Correct Speaking

  You must mention the Vanderstank Family to someone as organically as possible at least once per day. You must say at least one sentence which does not make any sense at least once per day. You must strive to use the list of Correct Words every day. And finally, you must begin and end every conversation with a fellow Family member with "Praise Caroline!"

• Nightly Mindpurge

  Purge your mind shortly before sleep every night: Delve deep into your thoughts, become very upset, cry, and scream loudly. Then, meditate. This must be the last thing you do before falling asleep.

Symbols

You must keep a Board-approved Family Symbol on you at all times, including but not limited to The Shape, the Linking Sigil, the Queen of Leaves, the seal of the Church of Vanderstank, or the Old Vanderstank Sigil. The Symbol may be on a well-preserved card or piece of paper in a pocket or wallet, worn as clothing, or in special cases, as a tattoo. Any Family member found without a Family Symbol on their person will be terminated immediately.

Polylateral Time System

• Daily Planning

  Begin planning your days and eventually your life around the Polylateral Time System. Aligning your life's actions with the geometric and geodesic energy patterns we've discovered throughout spacetime will improve your life immensely. It may be helpful to print the PTS Diagram or write down dates and times from the polygon or polygons that are most applicable to you.

• Yearly Meeting

  Arrange a private meeting with an Executive at least once yearly to help analyze the past year as it relates to the more intricate aspects of the PTS (relative polygons, etc.) and help plan the coming year.

Food

You must abide by the Correct Order of Meals ("The Meal Wheel") as discovered by the Vanderstank Family researchers: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Lunch, Breakfast. The times may vary somewhat, but all five meals are to be eaten in that order every day. Those members accustomed to a three-meal day may find reducing their meal sizes helps account for the higher number of meals.

For example, a common Vanderstank Family meal schedule is:

• 7:00am Breakfast
• 11:00am Lunch
• 5:00pm Dinner
• 8:00pm Lunch
• 11:00pm Breakfast

Chemicals

• If you have been prescribed any drugs, please report these to the Executive Board so we can determine which ones you may continue taking and which ones are harmful to the VanderSelf program.
• You may partake in alcohol and/or cannabis, but limit usage to less than 50% of days (for example, 3 days per week, or 14 days per month) to limit the effects addiction or toxicity to the body and mind.
• Psychedelic drugs such as LSD or psilocybin mushrooms must be taken with a Blue, Green, or Golden Oak badge present and recorded for the purpose of studying the nature of consciousness for the Vanderstank Mission. Unrecorded psychedelic experiences are prohibited.
• If you are taking Vanderfeels emotion supplements, follow the instructions exactly as written and ensure a Blue, Green, or Golden Oak Badge member is present.
• All other DEA Schedule I or II drugs, including cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines, and prescription drugs taken recreationally, are forbidden UNLESS specifically performed as part of a Board-approved psychological research with at least one fully sober Golden Oak, Green, or Blue badge present. Consult a member of the Reality Advisory Board for details.